Pleaser

Description: Indirectly tries to gain acceptance and affection by helping, pleasing, rescuing, or flattering others. Loses sight of own needs and becomes resentful as a result.

Characteristics: 

• Has a strong need to be liked by people and attempts to earn it by helping, pleasing, rescuing, or flattering them.
• Needs frequent reassurance by others about their acceptance and affection.
• Can’t express own needs openly and directly.
• Does so indirectly by having people feel obligated to reciprocate care.

Thoughts: 

• To be a good person I should put the needs of others ahead of my own.
• It bothers me when people don’t notice or care about what I have done for them.
• They can be selfish and ungrateful.
• I give away too much and don’t think of myself enough.
• I can make anyone like me.
• If I don’t rescue people, who will?

Feelings: 

• Expressing own needs directly feels selfish.
• Worried that insisting on own needs may drive others away.
• Resentful for being taken for granted, but have difficulty expressing it.

Justification Lies: 

• I don’t do this for myself.
• I help others selflessly and don’t expect anything in return.
• The world would be a better place if everyone did the same.

Impact on Self and Others: 

• Can jeopardize taking care of one’s own needs including emotionally, physically, or financially.
• Can lead to resentment and burnout.
• Others can develop dependence rather than learn to take care of themselves, and feel obligated, guilty, or manipulated.

Original Survival Function:

• The Pleaser tries to earn attention and acceptance through helping others.
• This is an indirect attempt to have one’s emotional needs met.
• It is fed by two original assumptions that are picked up in childhood:
  • I must put others’ needs ahead of my own.
  • I must give love and affection in order to get any back. I must earn it and am not simply worthy of it.